Two amusing spam emails I just wanted to share

I believe my second email address has been plugged into a comedy machine.  In the last three days I've got two emails sent straight into the spam folder; not possessing any other way of presenting both at once, I'll slap them on the blog and call it a post.  Not exactly the usual content, sorry, but here we are.

I'll print them in full below, spelling mistakes and all (which I think I'll underline).  Get ready for some heavy reading.

***

 Mr.AKONA CHOKOMA <wer.uioio@aol.com>
6 Aug at 11:15 AM
Dear Beneficiary;

Our Operation Manager has extract your 1st payment of $5,000.00 out of your total fund of ($1.5million) We need your full information for the transfer,

We scheduled installmental sums of USD$5,000.00 daily through the cash fast Western Union, payment at counter as directed and we have commenced the relevant programming and the documentations of the said fund, as we are instructed to make the first payment of USD$5,000.00 MTCN available in your name upon the receipt of your information from you as follows.

Your Name,
Address,
Telephone
ID CARD

Contact our Operational Manager,Mr WETAYEM MYSHEAR  through our office email  for more enlightenment on your money.

Email (westernunion-claimcollector@mail.com)

Thanks
Managnment
W.U.M.T B/F
WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OFFICE

Well now, that was interesting.

***

Here's the second one, from three days later.

MRS SABAH IBRAHIM <mrssabahibrahim11@gmail.com>

8 Aug at 9:32 PM

Dear GOD Elect,

It's my pleasure to have contact with you, based on the critical condition I find mine self, though, it's not financial problem, but my health, you might have know that cancer is not what to talk home about, though I don't know you, and my contact with you  was not by mistake, but by devine favour of GOD.

I am married to Mr. Mohammed  Ibrahim who worked with Tunisia embassy in Burkina Faso for nine years before he died in the year 2008.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for five days.

Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$ 2.2m(two million two hundred thousand dollars)in a bank in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in west Africa Presently this money is still in bank. He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining. Recently, My Doctor told me that I don't have much time to live because of the cancer problem,

Please Reply to this Email Id:( mrssabahibrahim007@gmail.com)

 Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money to take care of the less-privileged people, you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to take 30 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 70% of the money will go to charity" people and helping the orphanage.


 I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by the Government. I grew up as an Orphan and I don't have anybody as my family member, just to endeavour that the name of GOD is maintained. Am doing this so that GOD will forgive my sins and accept my soul because this sickness has suffered me so much.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso and I will send authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money in the bank that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Regards,
Mrs. Sabah  Ibrahim
written from Hospital

 ***

Well, Mrs imaginary Ibrahim, you have my imaginary sympathies.  I can't really accept your imaginary money though, my imaginary bank account won't accept imaginary US$, especially from imaginary Africa.  You never know, it might have been imaginarily stolen.

 And why would an email be signed off as "written from hospital"?  Is this some kind of west African mobile device, like the "sent from my lawnmower" sort of vein?

Well now, so not only am I a major businessman, I'm also an Apostle.  Quite an exciting thought, really!  But seriously, if I get any more spam I'm going to have to sort it out.  If you've had any the same or similar, I'd be interested to know.

Bye bye for now.