Making art for yourself: the importance of selfish art

I finished a painting yesterday afternoon.  I called it The Blue Scissorknight.  

I sprayed it with sealer, I got an op shop frame to put it in.  It's not my best work, as it's a technique I'm experimenting with - and as a result a bit uncertain at - but it's art, it's art for me, and that's important.

But why is that important?  I doubt anybody will see it.  If I get my art into a gallery for a week or so (that's been a goal for a while now) then I highly doubt The Blue Scissorknight  would make the cut amongst my other work.  Why then did I make it at all?  Well, I'll tell you, and it's jolly important you understand this.

I made the painting because I wanted to.  I WANTED to.

"But why bother?"  The world asks unhelpfully, "If you can't show it, you can't sell it; why did you bother?"  First, I'll have to tell you that I lied - that wasn't the world speaking, that was consumerism.  A society with a short-lived attention span conditioned to consume spoonfuls of easily digestible media at lightning pace.  And it's consumerism that, nine times out of ten, has destroyed creativity.

Please don't misunderstand - I'm not writing from a butthurt perspective, nor from any place of failure!  I'm a selfish artist, which I believe is the best possible way an artist can be.

So let me let you in on a gloomy bit of fact:  New Zealand, far from the idyllic paradise land the travel brochures sell it as, likes to portray itself as an artistic people, a culture with time and resources enough to kick back and create.  That is a front every civilized country likes to adopt, as it makes the economy seem open enough to allow "unproductive" activities.  And it's a front not at all reflected by those maintaining that economy.

We Kiwis are farmers, not known for creative flair.  When an artist happens amongst us, they're misunderstood and considered bludging off the system.  Living in Northland, for example, I've heard some pretty nasty local stories about Hunderwasser (1928 - 2000), an Austrian artist whose design for an art gallery now stands on Whangerei's waterfront.  

Hundertwasser Art Centre

From what I've heard - entirely from people I've worked for/with over the past year we've been living in Northland - nobody wanted the art gallery built, nobody cared.  Someone dredged up a rumour of pedophilia and everyone ran with it.  Now notice that I specified "people I've worked for/with"; that's the tradies, the backbone of NZ's society, they're the ones with the figurative finger on the pulse of the unwashed masses.  And if the unwashed masses don't care for a multi-million dollar artistic venture (which I might add is FREE for the public), then why would they care about the daubings of one more mad artist?

That's why you, the artist, has to care.

You create art because you want to express yourself - or maybe just because you just WANT to.  You get a sense of achievement in getting what's in your head down on that canvas.  You want to tell a story, you want to portray a world, and you must do it for you.  Because while you might be your harshest critic, you also need to be your biggest fan.  Your only fan if need be!  And that's okay!  It might be seen as unproductive, it might be seen as a waste of time and resources...  But in this day and age, who cares?  Who, really?  Why should artists bother contorting themselves to the whims of others?

And do you buy thousands of dollars' worth of 40K, just to make a custom Astartes Chapter GW will never acknowledge?  Because in creating art it gives the artist joy.  And if the artist can't find joy in the art they create, then maybe they have to find another means of achieving their vision.  Maybe they need to realise that all those people telling them "You should make it like this" or "Oh, I'd do it like that" really have no say in their creativity.

Let the artist create art for themselves.  Let the artist be selfish in their art.  Because then the vision the artist produces will be more pure, unadulterated by the poking and prodding of companies trying to use their art like another soulless resource to haggle over.  So I'm going to put The Blue Scissorknight on a chair and look at it for a few days, then pop it away in a cupboard and paint something else.  Nobody can tell me otherwise.

Let the artist create.  Don't mind my rambling, I just needed to get this down somewhere.

Bye bye for now.

First foray into Sculpting? Making a Veratican vicar

 Something I haven't done much of in the past is sculpting. I mean, I've done a bit here and there, a pelt on an Astartes' back or a bunch of purity seals. What I've always wanted to try is ac-tu-al sculpture, as in from a base, forming the whole from milliput or whatever is handy and usable.

The milliput is currently in the post. It'll be my first time with it, and I'm quite nervous/excited to give it a go.

So, who to make?

I may or may not be working on a miniature-based tabletop game, set in the Apocalyptican fairytales. One of the pieces I know to be present is a vicar, a frail old half-corpse in a robe with a sword and shield. Or a hammer, not sure what I'll send up making? Either way, theirs is a rather particular look.

Mostly, the attire of the parish shepherds is based on that of Tay Tumbel, a vicar who was known for his many adventures. A pleated surplice over a long coat of mail, wth layers and hoods and even a bit of plate-iron over to of everything.

So there we are; many textures, many layers to work on. it'll be an informative project and most importantly it'll be fun! And hard too I expect.

Putting a flame to that everpresent empty sprue we can never seem to dispose of, I made a body to work from. The general shape of the skirt and the baggy outer robe is all I've defined.

I imagined the head would be the most finicky part to make, so I had to give this one a good bit of thought. Eventually I dug up a bit of clear ABS plastic which had paper gummed on one side; this I drew on to give me a visual thing to work from.

You can just about see it through the other side. Anyway, the shiny surface is much easier to scrape the finished product away from.

For his nose, the stump of a chaos chainsword has just the right shape to it; I'll sculpt the rest of the nose later.

The rest of the head is made from a bead, cut and spaced with bits of 25mm base.

S here's what the handsome fellow looks like so far. He even has arms... Just. This is where I have to leave him until the milliput arrives, and I learn how to use it! 

***

I want to say this explicitly, before anything else happens. Please understand, I need to make this statement for future reasons.

While this vicar is based on the character of Tay Tumbel, it is not meant to represent the character. That is not the way of the fairytale, to focus on one tale more than others. This will be a general representation of a particular kind of vicar, and not a template.

All good? All good, thanks for understanding. Well, here's hoping the milliput arrives soon.

Bye bye for now.

Characters and OCs - is there a difference?

A question has been on my mind for some time and I'd like to try and straighten it out here: Is there a difference between a character and an OC?

Now, this might not be the sort of content you are used to on this blog; correct, it's not the usual thing. But it's something I've been mulling over for a while now and I wanted to get it down.

Also, you'll be able to see a side of my art you might never have seen before - clean!

I believe there is, at least to my mind there is. On the left of the picture above is Djn of Tenbridge, a character from my trilogy. On the right, Kerindra and Fréki, two of my OCs. Now, the first differentiation might be style, but that's got nothing to do with it - I believe it's to do with the reason for their creation.

An original illustration I did for the first book, framed.

His relationship with Rygnir, the main character, was planned from the start of the story, what would happen and how they would interact. I may never mention this couple again in another Fairytale because their story has been told.

***

On the other hand, I drew K and Fréki to practice elements of their particular design, i.e plush bodies. I simply drew them the way they are, because they have elements I like to draw. The fact that they're a couple is actually because my wife said they'd be cute together, not because it was planned at all.

This is my art. Don't ask how, I just CAN do less grim, okay?

OCs, in my interpretation, can be created for myriad reasons. I have OCs I made to experiment with relationship dynamics or character interaction. In practicing art or testing certain traits, I've come upon something I've really liked and made an OC out of it. I even have some who originally were sprite edits!

OCs can be a refuge in a way, a means of getting the toxicity of the world out of your head. That's the reason almost all of my OCs are queer, in fact.

Men is too headache. Also yes, this is my art too.

Many of them have backstories in one way or another, but nothing much in the way of actual narratives in which they play a part. However, I am currently working on an urban fantasy alongside my usual stuff, in which a particularly special OC is the protagonist. They are based largely on my own experiences as a kid; things I wanted to do or be (I always wanted to fly, talk to faeries, be a girl - you know, all those mythical things) but never could.

And yes, the dynamic duo Kerry & Fréki will be making a passing appearence too; a tiny window into their own little world, and a step on the road to becoming "characters" in the more regimented way I've described.

Characters, I feel cannot be experimented with or placed into situations outside their established body of work, while OCs potentially can. My wife and I are currently engaged in an ongoing DnD-esque narrative with some of our OCs in a vaguely fantastical setting. I would not be comfortable using a character in this setting.

This was a commission piece I made for a private client

I must have hundreds of characters by now. If you were to include every person I mention over the course of the trilogy you might say I had millions. However, I've only got about twenty OCs, in the sense of the word I've detailed; the people who appear in their stories I would consider characters, because they have a set reason to be there, a role to fulfill.

***

Well, I think that's everything laid out for my argument. I'm not exactly sure why I felt the need to write this down, but there we are. Have you any thoughts on the matter?

By the way, I wanted to apologise for moderating comments. Blogger seems to have become filled with spam bots.

Bye bye for now.

AEONS MORDICUS

 I see a shadow in my dreams. From whence, I cannot tell, do not press me so! Merciful Throne, how it devours...

 

If Him on Terra had but one flaw to speak of (and oh, but how many there are to course from!) then it is His towering inability to admit fault. To his sons He imparted this gift, however unwillingly received, to perhaps all twenty of His children, letting them do as they would with it.

Arrogance. Perfectionism. Self-doubt, self-hatred. These four things, and these things alone sculpted the Primarchs into the men they became. And these things consumed them.

We see the Prætorian as a mind forsaken, alone in a sea of doubt and hatred who could turn to no-one for comfort, for arrogance rendered him incapable of it. Human emotions were said to not apply to Dorn - a lie altogether blind! - for it was impossible for him to exhibit them, even hate, even love. What then, I ask, could become of such a godlike creation as he, when faced with the absolute horror of betrayal at the master of mankind's death? How could something become so inhuman relate emotions he was disallowed from touching?

He fell back into a dream. It was all he could do. Fall back into dream of consuming darkness.

If the pitiable state of the Primarchs was an unknowable taboo, then that of their sons would be all the more so, especially as they are humanity's only bulwark against the night. We do not want to think of our saviours as fallible, but so they are! So they are, and it terrifies the mind to understand the true depth of this psychosis! I speak largely of the VIIth legion and all who came therefrom. Oh yes! Perfect, staunch, unmovable, who would believe the consuming dark that eats away at their souls?

It begins first as dreams, nightmare visions of an empty Throne, a carcass in gold devoured by chittering, wormy, claw-fisted alien maggots. Long hallways of twisted darkness seep from their sleeping minds to press against their waking eyes, then the dream takes a hold of their body.

So subtly - so subtly! - the dark, seeping hallways manifest as a pit on the flesh of the Astartes, broadening with insatiable hunger as humanity and emotion leaks out. Darkness consumes the Astartes in his every thought and action until he cannot even summon enough reason to let his hearts beat. His dreams of hallways become so real to him that he would rather never leave them, for there is pain there, and pain means life - doesn't it? Pain is there where pain is not here, here in a waking world turned all to ash and darkness absolute...

When next the Astartes wakes, he finds himself walking down those halls, with the inhuman screams of every living thing blending into a distant, almost mechanical chugging, creaking, breathing. The halls are alive - he is alive - the devouring dark is alive, and he is alone against it, naked and afraid.

Hark, but not naked.

***

Well, that's the general opening to a terminator project that I've been working on for the past year or so. Next time I'll explain what my plan is, but for now that's the flavour text.

Bye bye for now.

Once more into the fray

So here we are again. It's been a long time since I last made use of this blog. It feels like the reopening of an ancient spellbook used by an equally ancient wizard, of whom I am a reincarnation with only shreds of memory left.

Blogging is an outdated, longhand kind of content very few people use nowadays. For this reason, I feel more comfortable with discussing past events - and generally, everything else - in a more longhand format, as only those genuinely interested will spend the extra effort in reading.

I have changed. I've changed a lot.

I will not overlook the fact that I am still quite mad these days. However, compared to the unsocial, suicidal creature I was during this blog's initial use, I'm nowhere near to that destructive or depressed.

I've published two books now, with a third on it's way. I'm married, and we have a beautiful blue/grey cat child. From a place of utter desperation and darkness, I've begun to heal, to learn how to be human. To love. To be who I truly was meant to be.

The views I had of Games Workshop haven't changed since the last post - hell, to be honest I think the company has become all the more worse - however, this blog will continue, for the most part, to be focused on my 40k kitbashing work, and any commissions if they come along; but I won't push it out there. If you find this blog, it won't be because I made you go look at it.

As much of the original content as there could be is still present, but you aren't obliged to trawl back through; it's here mostly as a testament to the past, to what I was, to what my kitbashing was.

Let's see what the future will bring, eh?

Bye bye for now.

A sign-off: What deters me from the 40K fandom

Warhammer saved me long ago from the monotony of mainstream media.  It revealed to me there were some stories worth pursuing, there was an audience for grimdark fantasy, and as a right little edgelord, I was not alone in my taste for the insane and the outré.  I grew up with it, matured into as much of a man as I'm probably ever going to be with it, it was a pillar of my childhood's foundation.

But that was then.  Now the appeal is waning, and there are several reasons which I'll do my best to explain.

I will not bring up the price of miniatures as a reason, because that's easily remedied by toning down on purchases.  There are so many sides to this argument and it's obvious GW won't be lowering prices of existing kits in the near future, so I'd rather not address cost.
Here we go.


1: It is a community-driven hobby; and as a professional failure, I physically cannot people

Firstly this point needs to be got out the way, as of course the same thing could be said for every fandom.  Unfortunately it's just another point of several that deters me, and most importantly I'm the only one to blame here.

A fandom consists of a number of people who like the same thing, discussing it and creating or experiencing that same thing-- but the DISCUSSING I believe to be the biggest part of any fandom.  That's where I, the most socially backwards person ever can attest, falls short.
 Warhammer is a game, a game to be played with other people, with other people who like and understand the IP's concept, with friends. Friends some people don't-- or can't-- have.

My online presence has deteriorated significantly over the last while, despite me climbing on board new platforms left right and centre, that's really a fault of my being caught up in other stuff-- and a combination of rural locale and dodgy vehicle means I can't really extend my RL presence much farther than the workplace.  How I'm ever going to find a girlfriend at this rate is beyond me... That's beside the point.  Moving on.


2: What it once was vs What it is now

I don't believe 40K was ever this mainstream.
This I'm sure I've brought up before, because I'm a fuddy duddy stickler for old things.  Warhammer used to be a hobby, an art expression; now it only feels like an IP to exploit.  True, their miniatures have gotten more and more detailed and pretty in the last while,but is that really necessary?  I mean really truly?  Think about it, does detail enhance the game?  Or rather would it draw new people in?

Uninspired? Clearly one intolerant bugger thinks so

 Don't get me wrong, new people are great for an IP to make money and be more widespread; new people are good.  But at what point does an IP stop being itself, and start appealing to the widest audience possible at the cost of its individuality?





3:  Official art used to be more interpretative than this

I can't leave a rant without at least a bit of good old hobby horse time; I'll try and keep this short.  As a defeated artist, I appreciate an IP mostly through its aesthetic, through its art.
Compare these two tech-adepts, a skitarii and a myrmidon:

Much in the same way I love the inaccurate nature of medieval art, I found the older 40K art inspiring.  It gave me ideas for kitbashes and painting methods, it added depth and character to a story already rich with character.  The miniatures were simple templates for you to build on and develop your own style.
Nowadays I see more and more art taken directly from the miniatures, and to be brutally honest, some are not much more interesting than studio photographs with their subject matter.  Alright, I might have gone and chosen that skitarii image purposefully, but the fact remains; there's less up for interpretation.  The majority of modern artwork seems less of telling a story, as presenting a range of products.


4: What it was for me vs. What it is now

 This harks back a lot to point 2.
Coming into the world of 40K long ago, what the 12-year-old me perceived was a huge, terrifying galaxy filled with such insane darkness and dread you couldn't hope to survive long; the morbid side of me latched on instantly.  This was a fantasy story set in a time so ridiculously far in the future it was obvious they weren't going to pull any stops on the madness.  Guns and vehicles were venerated instead of repaired, religious worship was directed here there and everywhere, aliens nobody even knows the origin of are streaming into the galaxy, man-made gods have taken form but are completely out-of-control...
Maybe I liked it for the wrong reasons; there might have been more fitting IPs to pursue... that weren't anime.  You know, it was the religious part of the Imperium I believe drew me in the strongest, and in the toning down of the archaic, the gothic, the pagan, I've been left hanging.
Like I said before, it was a pillar of my childhood's foundation; it should be left as such.  I don't want it spoiled by washed-out miniature design, lame narrative, and... people.


5: What GW has done/is doing with the IP

If you don't know about WH adventures, it's basically proof that GW have gone full sellout mainstream.
Do I recall a time when warhammer was age-restricted, or is that just a fanciful dream?  Also way to push the primarine shtick, I still don't like the buggers.


6: The memes

Yes, in the long run I hate memes.  So sue me.
 Personal experience has shown me the following; the majority of people are more drawn to funny things than scary things.  Whether they don't like a thing, like it too much or don't understand it because it's too creative or different they'll make it funny.  This mentality I can't stand, and connected to something I took so seriously as a child is oddly painful.

7: people in the community
 
In every fandom full of great people, there will always be the "badd'ns" .  My tolerance of who I'd consider to be a "badd'n" just happens to be WAY lower than most people, again due to my social ineptitude-- which I should stop wearing on my sleeve as if fishing for pity.
These badd'ns are what give the sane folk a bad name, I'm sure a good deal of you have a story.  Mine is of a guy who couldn't go on holiday without taking his entire (multi-faction) collection with him; so instead of not going on holiday at all, he put everything into a hundred ice cream containers and had them rattle about and fill up his camper.  Funny story, but how does it reflect the community as a whole?

It's not just the badd'ns either, I see a lot of unnecessary stupidity.  I've seen terrible crossovers and ship wars-- yes, ship wars concerning primarchs, ship wars concerning astartes heroes, all sorts.  I've seen people who can't enjoy an IP if they can't poke their diddly-stick in it, so they oversexualise.  I've heard of-- not misusing the word either-- truly retarded behavior of every sort, I've seen animal abusers, thieves, and some real mental cases who give the Columbine shooters a run for their money, all connected in some way to the 40K fandom.

It's all getting a bit much.


You sound pretty sick of it, D.  Can't you just ignore all that and stick with it alone?
You've always been alone.

I could shut myself in, yes.  I could lock myself away and nobody would know where I'd have gone, but the damage has been done.  If I withdraw to try and enjoy 40K by myself, I'll be withdrawing with all those awful stigmata attached to the IP I once loved.  I'd much rather leave it off for a while and let it heal a bit, even if the reasons I hate 40K will never go away.


What are you going to do?

What I'm going to do is move away from the fandom for a while.  2018 has been rough and slow, with illness and busyness and RL, and sadly 40K isn't quite as appealing as it used to be; it doesn't draw me like it used to.
I've got so many other projects I want to do in the future-- short films, puppets, art, not to mention the apocalyptican fairytales I'm writing-- all those things I seem to get more enjoyment out of.  I used to be able to make 40K my own thing, but as time's gone on and the aforementioned reasons have made it more and more difficult to focus on what I once liked.

Where will the dream take you, Lonely?

My biggest following has been generated by my activity in the 40K fandom, so I shall fade and go into the west, which may be for the better.
Sago-altar.com will still advertise my commissions painting of course, that's a part of my life now and a source of a few extra dollars.  This blog, if I do continue with it, will more than likely be related to things other than 40K, so if you're wanting to clean up what blogs you follow, it'd be best to take this one off for now if you're here for the 40K content.

Who knows, maybe this is just a rough patch for 40K.  Maybe it's just a rough patch for me, I don't know.  I might come back once things have sorted themselves out, I might not: So I guess I'll sign off with a final

FINÉ.


Bye bye for now.

***

For so long

I have wandered, I have fought

Now the road is at an end;

I've climbed the highest mountains, seen the sea beyond the hill,

I'm Alone with a Dream...

Urien & grotesques WiP: also Nurgle almost had me

So for the last while (not including the past few days... you'll know why in a moment) I've been scouring my bits box to make three grotesques and Urien Rakarth for a client.  If anything, it's made me realise I need to restock on unorthodox purchases like vargeists and such! 

Introducing (from left) Tom, Bert and William.  Please don't laugh at Tom, he was part of a subway accident.

For Urien himself, I've used several poxwalkers as a base.  Still working on what I should use for his tentacley bits, and OH NO I'M OUT OF GREENSTUFF!!!!!1!!1!!AGAIN!!!!!1

And that wasn't the end of the week's bad luck.

So last Wednesday afternoon I think it was, I started getting an odd sort of pain when I walked.  By the time I left work I almost couldn't sit on my motorbike, and that night I couldn't sleep for the magnanimous fever which had literally taken minutes to spring upon me, however fevers work.
Turns out, come Thursday morning, I had the most horrible infection ever a man could get.  Oof.  And don't think I picked it up from anyone, I'm what they call "grey ace"; look it up.

Once my immunity had dropped, old Pappy Nurgle found out I was unwell and he started sending me all these presents to make me feel... loved, I suppose, if not better.  It was like a bunch of "Don't Get Well" presents.

Before long it felt like I had every ailment The home physician describes and was hopelessly stuck in bed; only this morning (Tuesday) have I been able to hobble out and do a bit of constructive stuff.  Thanks, Nurgle.  No, my Chapter is STILL loyalist, and no I WON'T collect Death Guard.

If there was one good thing that came of the fevers, it made for some, um... unique characters for my second novel, like this chap below, the Blue Scissorknight.

And that's that!  I'm hoping to be well enough to get back to work on Friday (thank Throne for understanding employers!!) and by that time I will be clean enough to approach the Sago altar once again and continue kitbashing.  Here's hoping, anyway.

Bye bye for now.

What the fevered mind of a madman thinks is a decent suit of armour

Commission work: C'tan shard finished!

WOW he was a challenge and a half!  He's been the bottleneck in a lot of things, but the result isn't half bad if I say so myself.  Photo time!

The client was after something particularly Egyptian for this chap, with a sort of Vishnu/Shiva duality.  I went with a jackal head and plugged him full of Necron effects to reflect his slavery to the race he once held dominion over.

I also found out I'm DREADFUL at freehand!!!!  As if I didn't know already.
So that's that!  Just a quick one this time around, I'm so sorry for my sporadic posting nature... Hopefully with this chap off the bucket list thing will pick up again.

Bye bye for now.

I'm drilling my barrels now

It was a hard decision whether to finally do what I KNEW was best for me and the hobby as a whole, but after years of servere deliberation, I have done the right thing.

Yeah, as the title says, I'm drilling my barrels.

 The simple brilliance of it astounds me, really.  I thought it's take some drastic experimentation (like using body parts or, heck, real blood) to improve my kitbashing skills... This, however, was quite unprecedented!  Look at this picture, a side-by-side of three weapons with their barrels whole, then the same options below with barrels drilled:

The improvement is uncanny!
And you know what?  It's even improved my morale and skill in general!  Who would have thought I would start assembling masterpieces just based on a simple trick as a few holes?

THE IMPROVEMENT IS UNCANNY

 Bye bye for now.

I've got a dirty thumb.

Possibly the world's most unnecessarily complicated assault marine

 So what, you say.  The mentally unstable D just put together another ridiculously expensive kitbash, what's new?  Well, today I think I'll tell you exactly what went into this 1st company veteran; maybe it'll confirm my insanity, if nothing else.
First, let's strip the paint off and have a look at the bits for what they are.

The body is the cybernetica datasmith with the front torso half from the Black Templar's upgrade kit.  Bit of gold necklace chain across shoulder, trophy spike from WHFB crypt horror; new Cypher's bolt pistol on one hip, DA incense-burner on the other.  Double purity seal from the special sprue from the old tactical squad kit, and hourglass from the WHFB flagellants kit.
Head is from the finecast Imperial Fists upgrade kit, bionic is from Canoness Veridyan and the hair is a Custodes topknot.

Backpack is (mostly) from the old assault squad kit, nozzles from DA veteran kit.  The book is a GK icon with chain from an earring, and the tree is a charm.  Two pouches from the old assault squad kit, skull buttons are taken from the icons on a GK incinerator tank and marksman's honour from sternguard veteran kit.

Left arm is a plague marine's from the Dark Vengeance box, tilt shield is off a pillar from the garden of Morr and pipes are guitar wire.  The hand (and chainsword engine) is from aforementioned special tac squad sprue with a Templar cross from the scroll/pouch bit from the upgrade kit.  The chainsword itself is plasticard with teeth from the second sword on that sprue; the handle is from the honour guard's axe and the tree icon is a silver earring.

Right arm is from an Ultramarine Honour Guard with a 7th ed chest aquila; right hand is a 7th ed BA hand, the bolgun an edited sisters of Silence one with a purity seal from Guilliman's right shin.

Never will you see another uselessly fiddly and expensive assault marine.

Bye bye for now.